


Dull

by flameme



Series: Kageyama is sad (and I keep writing about it) [1]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst and Feels, Depression, Pain, Self-Harm, it's not that sad I swear, kageyama is a sad smol beaner that still has hope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-23 01:32:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 539
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11979282
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flameme/pseuds/flameme
Summary: It hurts, but it will get better. He has time.





	Dull

Heavy breathing.

Blurry vision.

Ringing in his ears.

Pain. Pain, pain, _so much pain._

_It... Hurts...!_

Kageyama sat up on his bed, panting quickly and bringing his hand up to his chest, clutching at the skin over his heart. White and then red streaks covered his chest and, instinctively, he reached down.

He dragged his fingernails against the skin on his arm. White, then red.

Too much red. _So much red._

He wrapped the white sheets over his hand, finally calming down and tightening the hold so the blood would seep in the fabric.

He banged his head once against the wall. He couldn't believe this was happening. Not again.

The panic subsided and more pain settled in, waking him up fully. He got up from the bed, silently walking across the room and turning on a floor lamp. It illuminated the room dimly, and Kageyama felt calm.

As always.

He hated it. He hated the calm. He hated the relaxed feeling. He wanted to feel alive, not this... Not this feeling of being dead.

He felt dead. He _was_ dead.

No he wasn't.

Maybe he was. Maybe he was dreaming. Maybe he never hurt himself and maybe nothing ever happened and maybe nothing was real. How would _he_ know? He was only fifteen and his grades were below average.

Maybe he was hallucinating.

He went to his mirror, pulling the sheet off of his arm. Picking at the scars was painful on its own, full-on scratching at them was as if they were fresh.

But it was fine. It was nothing. He didn't feel anything from it anyways, just pain. It didn't make him excited, or happy, or scared. He just felt _empty._

He shook his head, looking at his arm again. It wasn't bleeding, it just burned and it was redder that what it was before.

He only hoped it wasn't an infection. He'd have to call Tsukishima for that and it always sucked to rely on him.

He'd realized soon enough that bandages didn't work, mostly because he wanted to pierce his hand with the little supporters, so all he could do was wear long sleeves and hope he didn't try to kill himself in his sleep.

It had been too hot that night, thus no shirt whatsoever.

Mistakes happen all the time, okay?

Kageyama went to the bathroom and to the sink, not bothering to blind himself with any lights as he turned the faucet on.

_"Don't let the water fall directly on the wound or it'll hurt. A lot. Just let it flow from a place where you have no wound on your arm. As if it's a burn."_

Tsukishima's helpful instructions echoed in his mind and he smiled a bit.

He was getting better. He could tell. He didn't want to kill himself anymore, although his need to cause himself pain was still prominent. 

He had hope. _Maybe things would get better,_ he said to himself, _maybe if I'm patient I'll feel proper emotions again._  


For now, he would keep washing his hand out with a fake smile. A smile that would be real one day. A smile that would have proper emotions behind it.

He would smile again. He could do it.


End file.
